Felix Herbener

I should have asked to live in care as a kid. I might have got medical help. I was 19 when I was cured and my life began again. I feel like they got to me and sealed my anus shut to control my behaviour before I even had a chance to act on my sexuality. I think some of them wanted me to get a sex change before I could shit too. Maybe it was to stop me getting bashed by homophobes. Stop the death toll of violence. I felt pretty violent when my anus was glued shut. Feel violent sometimes thinking about what they did to me. I was innocent, but it was so unsafe for me to be gay. I guess. My brother is such a mongoloid I could have turned out worse too.

Death to Haters.  

1997, the school bus to Beaudesert High School. I don't take a seat. There are boys who get on the bus before my stop. They tease me about stuff. Some of it is sexual in nature that is meant to titilate and hurt at the same time. I felt I was too young to be around such coarse vulgar teenagers. It was very degrading, some of the things they said to me. I never knew their names, I was afraid to face them. 2019, Gladstone Queensland. I meet this family of five brothers and in being around them things they say take me straight back to that bus. I can imagine them as the boys at the back of my high school bus. I even think I remember one of their names, and his habits. Could they have went to my school I don't know they said they were from there but I am not so sure. Anyway so I studied English at university and I am good at picking up on inuendo and bias in peoples speech. "He's proud of it" translates to "he's a shameless fag". "I pee in the showe...

If you have a cough it's just 5G measuring your vital statistics. It's millimetre wave. You will feel short of breath. They scan you with ultrasound beams from the satellites triangulated with the cell towers to make a 3D live map of everyone on earth. They probably chip you in your sleep so you wake up seeing augmented reality and don't even know. They could give you a holographic girlfriend.

 

2008/2009 Hobart City. T. is sitting on a circular bench at the bottom of the mall outside the National Australia Bank. She is wearing a similar black Adidas windbreaker to mine. "Is that you're camera?" she asks. "Is that a girl's jacket?". She proceeds to tell me off for taking photos. It tell her "Go home tonight and think about how Fearless's camera takes photos and is not a gun that shoots bullets". And I remember her saying something like why aren't you in school and I was like "I'm 27". And her telling me to be nicer to girls or something. And I was like "I'm not good genetic material" and then her look of disgust or pity that I did not need. T. has this mean look to her face, marred by acne, her eyes squint. She has a 'resting bitch face'. The whole time she is speaking she seems to have an ungodly interest in me. Maybe she has seen me taking photos before in town. Basically she treated me like a ...

Marsden Primary School 1994: Mark age 12(11, he always lied about his age) saying "fuck this, fuck that", then being asked by a teacher "what hole is to small to fuck?" and "Could you fuck that bolt hole in that timber seat? Go on then". "With a screwdriver" says Mark.  Mark called over to the teachers desk a few days after. A woman tells Mark she was raped by a screwdriver by a man when she was a girl. They speak in hushed serious tones. Mark asking me why I dress 'like a girl' "why do you wear girls clothes?". Mark being friendly with all the girls in year 7. Mark falling off his bike and getting stitches on his chin. Mark on my school bus in 1996/1997 with braces on his teeth. Going to Hills International College Jimboomba. Mark at Browns Plains bus interchange Logan City Brisbane, wearing shorts to below his knees. 2017. I meet Mark McGuiness aka Hayden in a private car park in South Gladstone Queensland. He is introduced by...

Sorry to break the fourth wall on this day of solidarity. But what LGBTIQ+ community? Where is this community? At UTAS during my BA I was the only one interested in a queer club. Seriously, it was just me and a guidance counselor sitting in a room. The elected head of the queer club never showed up. I met one gay guy at uni, and he was a self confessed cannibal wannabe. My experience of casual gay sex has made me have to harden my heart to NSA (no love/loveless) sex. My relationships last an hour or two. An overnight stay is as close to commitment and monogamy that I get. I can't even describe the heartbreaking soul aching loneliness of looking at other men's selfies on gay dating apps, night after night, month after month, and never meeting a guy to spend time with. If I cook for a man on a date it's like I'm doing something wrong. Is sharing a meal so strange? I'm not degrading the concept of IDAHOT. But as a Christian I think there is some problem with human natu...

An Aboriginal woman tried to stab me with a syringe and called me a nazi for being white. It was totally unprovoked, I was just sitting there. Another time late at night I got threatened with stabbing with needles of dog blood and being infected with aids. I am the most left wing person I know, but go to an Aboriginal community and you may find yourself unwelcome and unwanted. Text book studies of structural disadvantages and historical murders and current Aboriginal incarceration rates do not describe or articulate the feelings of Aboriginal people towards Australians. The latter is probably too unpalatable for study. And with Australia's high immigration and foreign work force, how many people are actually white anyway anymore? The idea of white privilege seems outdated in a neoliberal globalised economy. And now we are moving into a post-neoliberal New World Order with greenwashed ecofascism and no escape from electronic surveillance. The present moment excludes not just the aut...

Quetzalcoatl's Eyes II F#*k You

VEGAN EXTREMISTS F#*K OFF I can't afford Ugg boots. Not being allowed to drink milk and eat eggs without being shamed is insane. Wearing a rabbit fur and a duck down jacket how ridiculous! As if anyone does that. And I already bought a pink Mother's Day card for my mum. I'm with the workers and the poor, but living, and honestly trying to support local and seasonal produce. Recycling every scrap. Because we don't have money for Ugg boots or Cruise holidays or flights overseas. Or any money to waste at all. And milk money and the eggs and bacon we buy comes from the meagre sum we have to live on. And we are not bad people because we can't afford highly processed vegan food alternatives. I'm happy. In future people may be forced to eat lab grown meat and insect protein. But I don't want to live to see that. I don't want to live in that hell. We are all causing the Anthropocene. But we can only do so much in our lives to stop it. I won't...

ARE MEN IN THE AUSTRALIAN ENVIRONMENTAL MOVEMENT CHEESOIDS? Does the Australian environmental movement exclude men? I liken my struggle to fit into the Australian environmental movement to the difficulties of the robot Cheesoid (from the Mitchel and Webb sketch) in learning the difference between petrol and cheese. I write these words with my phallic petrol pump spout mouth, clumsily trying to articulate a response to what I perceive is a disdain of men in the Australian environmental movement. A fellow member of our movement quoted journalist David Roberts accusing Michael Moore of 'mansplaining' in his film Planet of the Humans. This made me sad. Would the facts of the film present any diffently if it were written and presented by a woman? What is mansplaining and can be measured and quantified? Or is the quality to be disdained some intrinsic part of the male anatomy? I want to disclose some personal things I have experienced in a spirit of sharing towards increased un...

THE AGE OF NO KINDNESS I went through a stressful time in Gladstone last year. Seemingly everyone was unkind and I couldn't be kind to myself. Forgiveness also is something I struggle with. I experienced stress in high school from illness and bullying and I was unable to overcome it on my own. My brother and sister were not at home and we are not close to this day. My mother was unable to help me overcome the sources of stress in high school, and that still makes me feel sad. Last year I experienced physical trauma from injury, and I just didn't have support. I couldn't cope alone and so sold and gave away everything I owned. I think about mean things I think teenagers said to me on the highschool bus. For two years of highschool I was afraid to be on the bus, I stood near the driver. Fearing bullying, such as having my hair cut. Last year I met some people who reminded me so much of teenagers on that bus, and then I was assaulted and half sterilized. Since then, I thin...