THE AGE OF NO KINDNESS
I went through a stressful time in Gladstone last year. Seemingly everyone was unkind and I couldn't be kind to myself. Forgiveness also is something I struggle with. I experienced stress in high school from illness and bullying and I was unable to overcome it on my own. My brother and sister were not at home and we are not close to this day. My mother was unable to help me overcome the sources of stress in high school, and that still makes me feel sad. Last year I experienced physical trauma from injury, and I just didn't have support. I couldn't cope alone and so sold and gave away everything I owned.
I think about mean things I think teenagers said to me on the highschool bus. For two years of highschool I was afraid to be on the bus, I stood near the driver. Fearing bullying, such as having my hair cut. Last year I met some people who reminded me so much of teenagers on that bus, and then I was assaulted and half sterilized. Since then, I think I've been remembering unkind words on the school bus. "You're gay", "he's proud of it", "don't be gay", "you're trans", "you look like you want your balls cut off", "did your dad cut your balls off?", "gays have no nuts".
I was subjected to a huge amount of scrutiny of my body, my voice, my behaviour, how I did my hair and fingernails, and of my thoughts. "What are you thinking?". All of this before I turned 15. All of this while I suffered from an intestinal infection which was uncomfortable and embarassing. All of this while I was unsure if my parents would kick me out of home. All of this when I barely had friends.
Thinking of the school bus I remember the savage words and screaming and threats of violence and the occasional punch or slap. The vulgar language, the revolting insults. The cold eyed meanness of teenagers. And in the afternoons the constant high pitched babble of voices that rose to an unbearable cacaphony, so that pubescent screeching seemed to overlap and overload every square inch of air space inside the bus.
The louder and hotter and more violent it got inside the bus, the slower the driver would drive. Until I stood or sat rigid and sweating in my hot uniform. Feeling the burning sun through the windows. And every second expecting another insult or attack on my body or my mind. Until staying home was the only way to protect myself from the hideous experience of the bus.
The last few years I spent back in Queensland. And there I discovered all the old dumb shit that I hadn't experienced since high school. I don't know why. And I experienced again unkindness from people, even friends. Before I was assaulted I could have a wank and forget the meanness. The relief of my orgasm would make up for people's insults and slurs. But after being assaulted and half sterilized I suddenly didn't have that relief and escape anymore. My own body gave me no solace any longer.
Now I can just eat and sleep and shit and piss, I don't often have erections or orgasms. And when I do have orgasms they are unfulfilling. I was never a rapist or a sex offender, I never manipulated someone into sex to gratify my need. I was well behaved, even sexually conservative. And still I got hurt. In my own home. I've experienced just about the meanest thing that can be done to someone.
"If you didn't be gay you wouldn't get bullied" I hear in my head. "There's one in every family", you know an imbecile who should be sterilized. Am I an imbecile? Am I a problem? Am I so disgusting? I have been looking at photos of Nazi concentration camp prisoners, starved and experimented on, how did they feel? Today I drive past a former insane asylum, was that actually a kinder provision than we have now? Kinder that being left to negotiate a market driven world alone?
Mostly I feel the lack of kindness. How do I be calm and good to myself if no-one is kind to me? If people are angry at me for being slow to learn, how do I have self esteem? If I am permanently damaged and no-one cares, how do I find the ego to go on? If nothing matters to me, what do I do? "I want..." What? To be independent finally. And then what? Where do I find joy in an unkind world?
I went through a stressful time in Gladstone last year. Seemingly everyone was unkind and I couldn't be kind to myself. Forgiveness also is something I struggle with. I experienced stress in high school from illness and bullying and I was unable to overcome it on my own. My brother and sister were not at home and we are not close to this day. My mother was unable to help me overcome the sources of stress in high school, and that still makes me feel sad. Last year I experienced physical trauma from injury, and I just didn't have support. I couldn't cope alone and so sold and gave away everything I owned.
I think about mean things I think teenagers said to me on the highschool bus. For two years of highschool I was afraid to be on the bus, I stood near the driver. Fearing bullying, such as having my hair cut. Last year I met some people who reminded me so much of teenagers on that bus, and then I was assaulted and half sterilized. Since then, I think I've been remembering unkind words on the school bus. "You're gay", "he's proud of it", "don't be gay", "you're trans", "you look like you want your balls cut off", "did your dad cut your balls off?", "gays have no nuts".
I was subjected to a huge amount of scrutiny of my body, my voice, my behaviour, how I did my hair and fingernails, and of my thoughts. "What are you thinking?". All of this before I turned 15. All of this while I suffered from an intestinal infection which was uncomfortable and embarassing. All of this while I was unsure if my parents would kick me out of home. All of this when I barely had friends.
Thinking of the school bus I remember the savage words and screaming and threats of violence and the occasional punch or slap. The vulgar language, the revolting insults. The cold eyed meanness of teenagers. And in the afternoons the constant high pitched babble of voices that rose to an unbearable cacaphony, so that pubescent screeching seemed to overlap and overload every square inch of air space inside the bus.
The louder and hotter and more violent it got inside the bus, the slower the driver would drive. Until I stood or sat rigid and sweating in my hot uniform. Feeling the burning sun through the windows. And every second expecting another insult or attack on my body or my mind. Until staying home was the only way to protect myself from the hideous experience of the bus.
The last few years I spent back in Queensland. And there I discovered all the old dumb shit that I hadn't experienced since high school. I don't know why. And I experienced again unkindness from people, even friends. Before I was assaulted I could have a wank and forget the meanness. The relief of my orgasm would make up for people's insults and slurs. But after being assaulted and half sterilized I suddenly didn't have that relief and escape anymore. My own body gave me no solace any longer.
Now I can just eat and sleep and shit and piss, I don't often have erections or orgasms. And when I do have orgasms they are unfulfilling. I was never a rapist or a sex offender, I never manipulated someone into sex to gratify my need. I was well behaved, even sexually conservative. And still I got hurt. In my own home. I've experienced just about the meanest thing that can be done to someone.
"If you didn't be gay you wouldn't get bullied" I hear in my head. "There's one in every family", you know an imbecile who should be sterilized. Am I an imbecile? Am I a problem? Am I so disgusting? I have been looking at photos of Nazi concentration camp prisoners, starved and experimented on, how did they feel? Today I drive past a former insane asylum, was that actually a kinder provision than we have now? Kinder that being left to negotiate a market driven world alone?
Mostly I feel the lack of kindness. How do I be calm and good to myself if no-one is kind to me? If people are angry at me for being slow to learn, how do I have self esteem? If I am permanently damaged and no-one cares, how do I find the ego to go on? If nothing matters to me, what do I do? "I want..." What? To be independent finally. And then what? Where do I find joy in an unkind world?
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